I want to be brave.

Photo by Andrej Lišakov
Photo by Andrej Lišakov

At times I think of you. How did I? How could I not? No one could stop me, not even you. The only person who could have stopped me, was myself. But I let myself go.

People say I should be grateful for all the feelings I’ve had felt because not everyone get to experience it. Some may say I was stupid to fall all over again, but in reality there’s no such thing as bad choices. There’s no such thing as regret. Or so that’s what I’ve chosen to believe. The only explanation I can give is that I dared myself and I was brave.

I admire the moment I realize I was having feelings for someone and recognized them. When I dared to tell him “I love you” even tho I was too afraid to now how you felt about me. Our first kiss after being friends for years. When I called him because I needed to hear his voice. When he broke my heart and I put myself to hell just to forget him. When I forgot him.

I was brave once again to be a fool for someone who I had nothing in common with, to make an effort. I was brave enough to get to know him, and even more brave to fell for him. I liked him and all the things that made him so different about me. I liked how he thought I was so interesting and had so much to share. I fell for how he made me feel, so secure about me. Even with my glasses on.

I want to be brave. I swear I want to be brave and talk to him, but I also want to be brave and not give him a reason to hurt me. The things is I want to be brave no matter the outcome.

 

 

 

 

 

Tequila

Ever watched a horror movie where you know something bad is going to happen and you look at your friends and tell them “how stupid the character can be, she must know the killer/monster is there to get her?“.. Same thing happens with my life, there are things I know I’m not suppose to do. Because I know. I am aware of the consequences… but I still do it, because I do enjoy the thrill of it all. Or because of tequila.

But what is life without some mistakes made? I’m pretty sure that all the things I’ve done one day will end up like a good story.

I just need to figure out what to do meanwhile.

– M

 

A dream. | Un sueño.

I’ve been dreaming about you lately… It makes me wonder, is it true when someone appears on your dreams is because they are thinking about you?

I’ve been dreaming about you and what we did wrong. This time we decided to make it right. It was just us, us against all odds. The smile in your face was so genuine, so real so natural, like the once you used to give me.

I’ve been dreaming about you and the life we could have had together, we were living in a small house with a big yard somewhere with nice weather, the sun was kissing our faces, you had were wearing that shirt I made you that makes your eyes extremely blue and makes me lost in them. My skin got as dark as the coffee we like to drink but you still were able to make a path of kisses in my body.

I’ve been dreaming about you and I miss you, but I know that what we had we’ll never forget it. I will miss you my whole life and part of me will always love you but you’ll remain as what it felt like, a dream.

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He soñado contigo recientemente… Me hace pensar, ¿es verdad que cuando alguien aparece en tus sueños la otra persona está pensando en ti?

He soñado contigo recientemente, sueño de aquello que nos salió mal solo que esta vez no cometemos errores. Y aunque nada estuviera a nuestro favor, sólo éramos tu y yo contra el mundo. Sonreías, tu sonrisa era genuina, real y natural. Como aquellas sonrisas que me dabas bajo el sol.

He soñado contigo recientemente, de la vida que pudimos haber tenido juntos, de aquella pequeña casa con su patio enorme, en algún lugar con clima cálido. Traías puesta esa camisa azul que hace tus ojos tomar tal intensidad en la que siempre terminaba perdida. Mi piel se tornaba del color que nos gusta tomar el café, pero aún así lograbas hacer un camino de besos con mis lunares.

He soñado contigo recientemente. He soñado contigo y te extraño, pero sé que lo que tuvimos jamás lo olvidaremos, siempre te voy a querer, y siempre te recordaré como fue un sueño.

 

 

Games.

I’m tired of playing games. It’s been a while now since I’ve been in the same situation over and over again, same game, same feelings, same escenario different people, but somehow it’s the same.

Ever met someone and thought, maybe this is it, this is the one I’m suppose to keep putting all my energy on and then you realize, you still haven’t moved on and that everything reminds you to that one time you felt actual joy. You try to relive those memories. Lost memories with someone new, but even if it may seem that it’s the same it never comes close to that feeling.

They say it’s better to have felt it once that never experience it at all. But how are you suppose to keep going without.

I keep thinking about decisions. All the decisions that have led me to where I am. To who I am. Whom I’ve become. Am I happy with it all?

L, m.

La belle personne.

 

lundi 26 mars.

Je pense à toi. À ton regard. Je pense aux rêves que on a partagés un jour. Je pense à elle. Pourquoi tu est avec un personne qui te fait pas bien? Mais il y a deux ans que vous êtes ensemble… C’est la premier foi en quatre ans que je me demandé si serait pas moi… jamais? Mais t’inquiet pas… J’ai déjà t’oublie. C’est juste aujourd’hui que je pense a toi. À ta sourire. À  ta chaleur. À ton amour.

love, m.

Ik zal van je houden.

I got my heart fragmented into pieces. I’ve lived with the intensity people claim only young love can give. I wrapped myself into being a hopeless romantic, idolising the idea of love, to loved and be loved. I felt loved, I felt loved as it is. Selfless. 

I loved you. What a strong sentence, you may not realise how much meaning it has to love in another language, your brain falls in love with all it has. You are trying to find the words to love them right, love them with sense. But love makes no sense. 

Love is senseless. I loved you in so many different ways. But my love, your love. Our love was not enough. It was not solid enough to handle the timing, the distance. 

I resented for longer that I should have. Resent, the art of keep the sentiment. I felt. After you were gone. With the lack of words. I felt. 

And now at 2 am, I feel you. I feel you again. It aches me no more to think of you. Your memory makes me smile. I loved you. I love you. And I will love you. 

Always. 
– M

Dear _____…

before-sunrise

Don’t read this, this is not for you, it’s just for me cause I need this out of my system so I can move on, is meant to be for one person only, someone I cared about, someone that probably won’t read this. And if this is you, please don’t say anything.

As I’m about to start a new “chapter” in my life, I’ve decided that I’m going to let you go, finally, for once and for all. I’ll list a 100 thing I’m glad about and with this post I’ll be promising myself I will never be sad again, not for you, not for us. Cause we were it all, but we never were.

This is for you

Dear ____ thank you…

  1. For being yourself with me
  2. For making me a happy girl
  3. For giving me that first kiss in the couch
  4. For holding my hand in the cinema
  5. For having bad taste in music
  6. For telling me the truth about you
  7. For trusting me
  8. For letting me trust you
  9. For calling me drunk
  10. For answering the phone
  11. For hugging me
  12. For trying to say goodbye and catch me before I left to the airport
  13. For supporting my dreams
  14. For caring about me
  15. For calling me beautiful
  16. For asking me not to wear make-up
  17. For asking me for advice
  18. For talking with me about everything and anything in skype for hours
  19. For telling me I looked pretty
  20. For calling me hot
  21. For not taking your hands off me
  22. For telling me I shouldn’t trust them
  23. For fooling around everywhere
  24. For being shameless
  25. For acting weird
  26. For forgiving me
  27. For understand me when none else did
  28. For making me cry
  29. For making me realize that we just weren’t meant to be
  30. For holding my hair while I was puking
  31. For standing up with my bullshit
  32. For never judging me
  33. For laughing at my bad jokes
  34. For introducing me to Game of Thrones
  35. For telling me that you forgot the picture that I gave you (even tho I’m pretty sure you got rid of it)
  36. For never trowing that red ribbon
  37. For endless conversations
  38. For the good times
  39. For the bad times
  40. For the partying
  41. For the drums
  42. For the honesty
  43. For rough truth
  44. For realizing before me that you could never loved me the way I wanted
  45. For calling me your best friend
  46. For promising you’ll never stop talking to me
  47. For stop talking to me
  48. For being jealous
  49. For asking me what I wanted
  50. For not giving me what I wanted
  51. For being hot
  52. For being skinny
  53. For liking my body
  54. For visiting me at my city
  55. For being surpised when I visited you
  56. For giving me chills with just a look
  57. For breaking my heart
  58. For breaking my heart more than once
  59. For telling me about the girl you love
  60. For telling me you got your heart broken
  61. For teaching me stuff
  62. For playing with me
  63. For kissing me in funny ways
  64. For joking with me
  65. For taking that call at the hardest time on my life
  66. For telling me everything was gonna be okay
  67. For never trying to do my harm
  68. For trying to protect me
  69. For not being ashemed of me
  70. For telling your friend about me
  71. For letting your friend tell me the truth about you
  72. For letting me kiss you when we were drunk
  73. For trying to understand my past
  74. For trying (“trying”) to pshyco-analize me
  75. For letting me be inside your head
  76. For letting me listen to your thoughts
  77. For “accepting” my crazyness
  78. For being taller than me
  79. For sharing your secrets
  80. For keeping my secrets
  81. For wishing me luck when I needed it
  82. For asking me for help
  83. For borrowing me that book
  84. For trying to do homework
  85. For asking me to marry you in my kitchen
  86. For reading me your thoughts
  87. For sharing your experience with me
  88. For making me smile
  89. For smiling at me
  90. For talking to me again
  91. For not replying my messages
  92. For thinking that I hated you
  93. For telling me you didn’t hate me
  94. For not hating me
  95. For being “friends” with me on facebook -again-
  96. For the birthday wishes
  97. For that last kiss
  98. For being a good friend
  99. For all the memories that will stay with me forever
  100. For loving me on your own way.

I don’t think I’ll ever see you again (and I don’t think I want to), I wish you the best and you’ll always be part of who I was, I will always have a feeling for you, call it whatever you want. But mostly I wish you could find whatever you’re looking for, be loved and happiness.

Sincerly,

– M

What’s my age again?

I never wanna act my age
What’s my age again?
What’s my age again?

In less than 72 hours I’m turning 23. I don’t remember having a birthday in the last 5 years that I don’t panic about or have a breakdown hours before, of course I always party like there’s no tomorrow, (because, hey that might actually happen!) but I always have a crisis, it’s either I’m getting into university, I’m moving to a new city, I’m about to start a new project, I’m in another country or I’m simply depressed over a recent break from the one I loved. This past 5 years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. And this year, ain’t different at all. I’m having a crisis, a meltdown, I don’t wanna grow older. I want to stop time, I’m in a position in life when I’m becoming an adult, were I shouldn’t be in university anymore, I should start gaining money, paying my rent, getting a dog or starting a business, even in some cultures (like mine: Mexican) I should be engaged by now, or married or with a kid, or at least in a long-term relationship. And guess what? I have nothing, literally nothing, in a few months I’m about to start a new experience that I’ve been waiting for my whole life, but I just feel a little behind.

I know… I should be thankful that I don’t have to worry about the real life responsibilities, but the fact is I do, before I go to bed every night I think of my future, of what am I gonna be doing for the next year, and then I’ll be 25 and the in a blink of an eye I’m 30, what if I’m in the same position as I am now? Or worse, what if something goes wrong, what if I haven’t accomplish what I want? What if I’m not proud of the person I’ve become? What if I let down the people I love? What if I have none to love?

So yup. I’m just sharing a little bit of my soon to be birthday. I wish I could tell you an advice of how not to feel this way if you feel like me, I’m sure I can’t be the only one thinking they’ve wasted their whole life. But while I figure what I’m gonna do in the future, I will celebrate the fact that I’m alive, that I have friends that want to party, that I have a family (tho we are not in the same city I know they think of me), that some ex is thinking of me (and wishing he could congratulate me), that I’m petsitting a dog, that I might drink my weight in alcohol and wake up to a breakfast with a hangover, that someone cares about the fact that I exist, that I’m alive.

Anyway 23 years is still young compared to some people. I should really start talking to my therapist about this (and by therapist I mean my journals.)

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I’m like music.

Music to me it’s like poetry with different dimensions, you can feel it, sense it, watch it and be it. I don’t know if this makes sense, but to me music is something that I just couldn’t live without.

 

Mumford and Sons: I’m in love not only with the melody and the rhythm their music has, but the harmony of the sound mixed together with emotional lyrics. Yes I’m saying that this folks of United Kingdom have everything they need to make me happy, sad, angry, go back in time to my darkest memories and give me hope for a brighter future. Every song reminds me of a special moment in my life, a special adventure.

DITMAS- Mumford & Sons
[Verse 1:]
And in time
As one reminds the other of the past
A life lived much too fast to hold onto
How am I losing you?

A broken house
Another dry month waiting for the rain
And I had been resisting this decay
I thought you’d do the same

[Hook:]
But this is all I ever was
And this is all you came across those years ago
Now you go too far
Don’t tell me that I’ve changed because that’s not the truth
And now I’m losing you

[Verse 2:]
Fragile sound
The world outside just watches as we crawl
Crawl towards a life of fragile lines
And wasted time

And so I cry
As I hold you for the last time in this life
This life I tried so hard to give to you
What would you have me do?

[Hook]

[Bridge:]
Where I used to end was where you start
You were the only one
And now I see your eyes move too fast
You were the only one

[Verse 3:]
Careful hands
And wandering without that much to say
Your words are empty as the bed we made
Is there another way?
Oh love, is there another way?

[Hook]

And now I’m losing you

– M

Blinker

There is no words to describe what I feel for you,

you come and go and make everything turn blue,

you don’t even realize the damage you cause

because there’s no interest, this is a lost cause.

I get it, you just don’t care

but when I got you in here

I know I mean the world to you.