What’s my age again?

I never wanna act my age
What’s my age again?
What’s my age again?

In less than 72 hours I’m turning 23. I don’t remember having a birthday in the last 5 years that I don’t panic about or have a breakdown hours before, of course I always party like there’s no tomorrow, (because, hey that might actually happen!) but I always have a crisis, it’s either I’m getting into university, I’m moving to a new city, I’m about to start a new project, I’m in another country or I’m simply depressed over a recent break from the one I loved. This past 5 years have been a rollercoaster of emotions. And this year, ain’t different at all. I’m having a crisis, a meltdown, I don’t wanna grow older. I want to stop time, I’m in a position in life when I’m becoming an adult, were I shouldn’t be in university anymore, I should start gaining money, paying my rent, getting a dog or starting a business, even in some cultures (like mine: Mexican) I should be engaged by now, or married or with a kid, or at least in a long-term relationship. And guess what? I have nothing, literally nothing, in a few months I’m about to start a new experience that I’ve been waiting for my whole life, but I just feel a little behind.

I know… I should be thankful that I don’t have to worry about the real life responsibilities, but the fact is I do, before I go to bed every night I think of my future, of what am I gonna be doing for the next year, and then I’ll be 25 and the in a blink of an eye I’m 30, what if I’m in the same position as I am now? Or worse, what if something goes wrong, what if I haven’t accomplish what I want? What if I’m not proud of the person I’ve become? What if I let down the people I love? What if I have none to love?

So yup. I’m just sharing a little bit of my soon to be birthday. I wish I could tell you an advice of how not to feel this way if you feel like me, I’m sure I can’t be the only one thinking they’ve wasted their whole life. But while I figure what I’m gonna do in the future, I will celebrate the fact that I’m alive, that I have friends that want to party, that I have a family (tho we are not in the same city I know they think of me), that some ex is thinking of me (and wishing he could congratulate me), that I’m petsitting a dog, that I might drink my weight in alcohol and wake up to a breakfast with a hangover, that someone cares about the fact that I exist, that I’m alive.

Anyway 23 years is still young compared to some people. I should really start talking to my therapist about this (and by therapist I mean my journals.)

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I’m like music.

Music to me it’s like poetry with different dimensions, you can feel it, sense it, watch it and be it. I don’t know if this makes sense, but to me music is something that I just couldn’t live without.

 

Mumford and Sons: I’m in love not only with the melody and the rhythm their music has, but the harmony of the sound mixed together with emotional lyrics. Yes I’m saying that this folks of United Kingdom have everything they need to make me happy, sad, angry, go back in time to my darkest memories and give me hope for a brighter future. Every song reminds me of a special moment in my life, a special adventure.

DITMAS- Mumford & Sons
[Verse 1:]
And in time
As one reminds the other of the past
A life lived much too fast to hold onto
How am I losing you?

A broken house
Another dry month waiting for the rain
And I had been resisting this decay
I thought you’d do the same

[Hook:]
But this is all I ever was
And this is all you came across those years ago
Now you go too far
Don’t tell me that I’ve changed because that’s not the truth
And now I’m losing you

[Verse 2:]
Fragile sound
The world outside just watches as we crawl
Crawl towards a life of fragile lines
And wasted time

And so I cry
As I hold you for the last time in this life
This life I tried so hard to give to you
What would you have me do?

[Hook]

[Bridge:]
Where I used to end was where you start
You were the only one
And now I see your eyes move too fast
You were the only one

[Verse 3:]
Careful hands
And wandering without that much to say
Your words are empty as the bed we made
Is there another way?
Oh love, is there another way?

[Hook]

And now I’m losing you

– M

Blinker

There is no words to describe what I feel for you,

you come and go and make everything turn blue,

you don’t even realize the damage you cause

because there’s no interest, this is a lost cause.

I get it, you just don’t care

but when I got you in here

I know I mean the world to you.

 

I don’t want to be part of your happiness.

I know its selfish. And it might sound a little harsh.

But I don’t want to be part of your happiness.

We had our time together, the time I believe I was the most happy in all my life. I don’t want to be part of your life.

To see you smile, it aches me. I don’t want to be part of your future, since I’m already part of your past. I wont keep you in mind, my loved, I wont keep you in my heart.

My future will hold no memory of you. You wont exist, since you are already gone. I don’t want a be part of your happiness, not anymore.

– M

 

 

I have a hard time letting go.

It’s a fact. I’ve always known it but been too stubborn to admit it. I have a hard time letting go the things I like and an let’s not talk about the things I ever come to love.

“You ever feel like when you met someone, they fill this hole inside of you, and then when they’re gone… you feel that space painfully vacant?”

Ziplocs full of memories.

Apparently I’m a collector. A collector of memories. A collector of lovers. A collector of bad dreams. I’m a collector of all the things that made me happy, of all the things that made me cry. I’m a collector of passions, of dreams. I’m a collector of unfulfilled goals. A collector of books, blank notebooks and pens (all types of pens).

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I’ve been collecting all this stuff. I can’t let go. But no one will collect a memory of me, not unless I do something worth collecting.

So I’ve decided to throw everything that is no longer useful. Everything that reminds me of a bad thing. I’ll stop collecting nightmares and keep collecting smiles.

Goodbye to you, that made me feel unworthy.

Going abroad vs. Staying home and discover your country.

That’s my dilema, I want to travel so bad, I would give up anything to do it… (that’s what we all say until someone asks us to leave our family, friends and comfort zone)… But lately I’ve been thinking that I’m selfish enough to think I can do it, just QUIT everything… But then again, I’ve never wanted to “quit” anything, my life goal is not be a quitter, (at least not anymore)..

My latest dilema is that I have the amazing opportunity to go abroad… (YES!!) and leave my country… what most students (and friends of mine) have experienced, but not because I want to be part of that community, but because I just want to know myself better, discover myself and say “wow, I never knew I could do that”… So, here is the deal… going abroad for a year(to Europe.. Belgium or Italy?) or backpacking my beloved MEXICO for the next summer.

I really don’t know what I want to do. What is best for me, for what I want…

Punta de Zicatela, Oaxaca México

Punta de Zicatela, Oaxaca México

The worst

Life can end in a phone call. You get a phone call at a normal day and then you realise someone is no longer in this world. Someone you never imagined could go so fast. I wasn’t very close to her, but I can’t help to feel that what happened was unfair. Her children, her husband… How are we suppose to make them feel them happy again? We see death in news, movies, we read about it in books, but we never really feel it until someone we love, is gone.

You will always remain in my memory and heart.

Thank you for everything

“Melani, el que come y canta…. Loco se levanta”

x

M

Have I gone mad?

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When I was around 11 years old, most of my family believed I was crazy because I was into learning different languages and different kind of music, my mom thought I was crazy because I preferred to read over going out when I was 14. Most of my relatives called me crazy when I moved out my mom’s and started living 9 hours away with my older brother to have a better high school when I was 15.
My “new friends” called me weird, because I looked kinda nerdy and didn’t liked to drink, then I started partying when I was 18 and when to college to study Industrial Design and they said I acted nuts. Then again the use the same word when I decided to drop out college because design wasn’t really my thing..
Crazy again because I entered to engineer university in a major called “Biobusiness”. Madness was again my thing when I decided to volunteer in Russia for the summer and fall like a fool in love. Came back and moved again to another big industrial city, with a broken heart, started to accept challenges, I realised I had to make more changes, so I changed my degree again, “ARE YOU CRAZY?!”.

My major now is Advertising and Market Communications, but today, I decided to make one more little change and pierce my nose, for myself, because I f*cking like it. What did they call me again? CRAZY.

Well, the thing is, I’ve done pretty good things with my life. I’m happy with who I am and the decisions I’ve made, I have no regrets… only hard life lessons, but it is MY life, and I am the one who is living it, so yeah, If CRAZY, MAD, WEIRD, DIFFERENT, is the only words you have in your vocabulary to describe MY life in, please save it to yourself, I don’t care what you think, be more original I’ve heard those before, and honestly what I decide or everyone decides to do with their own lives, is non of your business “normal” people.

Love,

M

Am I the only one who is afraid of not doing what they want to do in life?

I’ve been thinking lately that time is just winning the battle here, a battle I knew I couldn’t win. I am getting older and I think I’m running out of time. Someone told me that my life hasn’t even started, but I’m afraid, afraid of not accomplish all the great things I have in mind, I’m afraid that I’m going to wake up old and realise I am not happy with the things I’ve done, that I should have done more, but what else can I do now? I can’t seem to find a balance between, job, university, my hobbies and my personal life. I see other people, as capable as I am, but they can and somehow I can’t. I can’t find a job, I’m not doing as good in school as I wish, I wish I traveled more, but there are factors like the ones I mention before, I want to write, I want to paint I want to learn new languages and practice the ones I know, I want to be with my friends and go out, party, work out, and still be healthy enough to survive my 20’s. What is the key? What is the secret? What am I doing wrong? I have this “scarcity” of a life I can have (because I’m blessed and I have everything to be happy) but I can’t. And as I write this, I realise how stupid and selfish I am, but I can’t stop feeling like this.

M.