I want to be brave.

Photo by Andrej Lišakov
Photo by Andrej Lišakov

At times I think of you. How did I? How could I not? No one could stop me, not even you. The only person who could have stopped me, was myself. But I let myself go.

People say I should be grateful for all the feelings I’ve had felt because not everyone get to experience it. Some may say I was stupid to fall all over again, but in reality there’s no such thing as bad choices. There’s no such thing as regret. Or so that’s what I’ve chosen to believe. The only explanation I can give is that I dared myself and I was brave.

I admire the moment I realize I was having feelings for someone and recognized them. When I dared to tell him “I love you” even tho I was too afraid to now how you felt about me. Our first kiss after being friends for years. When I called him because I needed to hear his voice. When he broke my heart and I put myself to hell just to forget him. When I forgot him.

I was brave once again to be a fool for someone who I had nothing in common with, to make an effort. I was brave enough to get to know him, and even more brave to fell for him. I liked him and all the things that made him so different about me. I liked how he thought I was so interesting and had so much to share. I fell for how he made me feel, so secure about me. Even with my glasses on.

I want to be brave. I swear I want to be brave and talk to him, but I also want to be brave and not give him a reason to hurt me. The things is I want to be brave no matter the outcome.

 

 

 

 

 

Tequila

Ever watched a horror movie where you know something bad is going to happen and you look at your friends and tell them “how stupid the character can be, she must know the killer/monster is there to get her?“.. Same thing happens with my life, there are things I know I’m not suppose to do. Because I know. I am aware of the consequences… but I still do it, because I do enjoy the thrill of it all. Or because of tequila.

But what is life without some mistakes made? I’m pretty sure that all the things I’ve done one day will end up like a good story.

I just need to figure out what to do meanwhile.

– M

 

A dream. | Un sueño.

I’ve been dreaming about you lately… It makes me wonder, is it true when someone appears on your dreams is because they are thinking about you?

I’ve been dreaming about you and what we did wrong. This time we decided to make it right. It was just us, us against all odds. The smile in your face was so genuine, so real so natural, like the once you used to give me.

I’ve been dreaming about you and the life we could have had together, we were living in a small house with a big yard somewhere with nice weather, the sun was kissing our faces, you had were wearing that shirt I made you that makes your eyes extremely blue and makes me lost in them. My skin got as dark as the coffee we like to drink but you still were able to make a path of kisses in my body.

I’ve been dreaming about you and I miss you, but I know that what we had we’ll never forget it. I will miss you my whole life and part of me will always love you but you’ll remain as what it felt like, a dream.

IMG_3643

 


He soñado contigo recientemente… Me hace pensar, ¿es verdad que cuando alguien aparece en tus sueños la otra persona está pensando en ti?

He soñado contigo recientemente, sueño de aquello que nos salió mal solo que esta vez no cometemos errores. Y aunque nada estuviera a nuestro favor, sólo éramos tu y yo contra el mundo. Sonreías, tu sonrisa era genuina, real y natural. Como aquellas sonrisas que me dabas bajo el sol.

He soñado contigo recientemente, de la vida que pudimos haber tenido juntos, de aquella pequeña casa con su patio enorme, en algún lugar con clima cálido. Traías puesta esa camisa azul que hace tus ojos tomar tal intensidad en la que siempre terminaba perdida. Mi piel se tornaba del color que nos gusta tomar el café, pero aún así lograbas hacer un camino de besos con mis lunares.

He soñado contigo recientemente. He soñado contigo y te extraño, pero sé que lo que tuvimos jamás lo olvidaremos, siempre te voy a querer, y siempre te recordaré como fue un sueño.

 

 

Games.

I’m tired of playing games. It’s been a while now since I’ve been in the same situation over and over again, same game, same feelings, same escenario different people, but somehow it’s the same.

Ever met someone and thought, maybe this is it, this is the one I’m suppose to keep putting all my energy on and then you realize, you still haven’t moved on and that everything reminds you to that one time you felt actual joy. You try to relive those memories. Lost memories with someone new, but even if it may seem that it’s the same it never comes close to that feeling.

They say it’s better to have felt it once that never experience it at all. But how are you suppose to keep going without.

I keep thinking about decisions. All the decisions that have led me to where I am. To who I am. Whom I’ve become. Am I happy with it all?

L, m.

La belle personne.

 

lundi 26 mars.

Je pense à toi. À ton regard. Je pense aux rêves que on a partagés un jour. Je pense à elle. Pourquoi tu est avec un personne qui te fait pas bien? Mais il y a deux ans que vous êtes ensemble… C’est la premier foi en quatre ans que je me demandé si serait pas moi… jamais? Mais t’inquiet pas… J’ai déjà t’oublie. C’est juste aujourd’hui que je pense a toi. À ta sourire. À  ta chaleur. À ton amour.

love, m.

Ik zal van je houden.

I got my heart fragmented into pieces. I’ve lived with the intensity people claim only young love can give. I wrapped myself into being a hopeless romantic, idolising the idea of love, to loved and be loved. I felt loved, I felt loved as it is. Selfless. 

I loved you. What a strong sentence, you may not realise how much meaning it has to love in another language, your brain falls in love with all it has. You are trying to find the words to love them right, love them with sense. But love makes no sense. 

Love is senseless. I loved you in so many different ways. But my love, your love. Our love was not enough. It was not solid enough to handle the timing, the distance. 

I resented for longer that I should have. Resent, the art of keep the sentiment. I felt. After you were gone. With the lack of words. I felt. 

And now at 2 am, I feel you. I feel you again. It aches me no more to think of you. Your memory makes me smile. I loved you. I love you. And I will love you. 

Always. 
– M

What is your reason?

I’ve recently realized that people who travel often write things about it, I’ve tons of journals and some of them are just about all my thoughts when I’m not at home… But why? Why do we have this need to write everything down that crosses our mind when we are out of town? Well, in my case I just don’t want to forget anything I write down all my emotions, feelings, needs, fears, selfish thoughts, dreams… I write down everything I can see, smell, hear, taste, breathe… because when I’m back home, in my bed and I feel sad or lonely I take out those words and reread them and travel again to my own paradise… I’m happy instantly

But that’s my reason… that’s just me… What is your reason? 

Love, 

M♥.

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* I bought this journal in NYC in 2010, I’ve been fill in it ever since with every single trip I do alone. Later on maybe I’ll reveal it’s content and hope it makes you as happy as it makes me. 

10 years and a list.

This great blogger which I’ve just discovered by wondering around wordpress shares a lot of what it’s going on my head right now… She wrote a great post about “23 THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF GETTING ENGAGED BEFORE YOU’RE 23” and  honestly I couldn’t agree more. I mean I’m 20 years old and I’ve not lived as much things as this women or other people, but I’m pretty sure I’ve done enough things to be happy about…

Back in the summer when I was having the time of my life experience a new adventure on my own volunteering in Russia I found a peculiar cultural thing that was going on with this  young people (now friends), that some of them weren’t even 20 when they already got engaged or married… my first “buddy” asked me what I thought about getting married at my age (I was 19 and so did she) I thought it was a joke but answered nicely, I told her that I there is no rush on getting married, I mean if I’m already committed by word to this person there’s no need of marriage, because honestly I think that is one of the biggest adventures people take, but for now on I rather do other things and I’m gonna make my own list about…

Things I need to do in my 20’s.

1.-  Go to Paris

Paris 2013

2.- Twice or more.

3.- Ski, water ski and surf.

4.- Go to Egypt and South Africa

5.- Go to Russia, again

Russia

6.- Go topless at the beach

7.- Take a picture while kissing a stranger

4.- Eat pizza and ‘gelato’ at Italy

5.- Go to Seul

6.- Take a random trip

7.- Roadtrip in Mexico

8.- Go to San Miguel

16.- Get a Tattoo

17.- Finish a book

18.- Have a nice blog (working on it)

19.- Go to all places where you can practice all the languages you are learning or know

20.- Buy a professional camera

21.- Make a Vlog

22.- Save for a GoPro and buy a new INSTAX

….  (to be continued)

I’m sure there are plenty other things that I wanna do before I turn 30 and get married, I have 10 years and a list, maybe I get married with stranger or my best friend (if I ever talk to him again) but who knows? My advice in this… Live and enjoy, at the end the things you do matters only to you.

Love,

M. ♥