It is true I was once the love of your life. It is true you fell in love with life with me. It was true that I was there for you while you were there for me.
I keep living, not in the past but with the idea that I will not ever find something like that. I live with the ghost of what I had. I should not be blinded by your happiness. I should raise above and be happy for you. Right now I don’t even know why I’m not okay with it.
I am over you. But I’m not over what we had, it was another type of connection, physical, sentimental and for what a moment I thought it was spiritual.
I’m really happy for you. I am. Or at least I want to be happy for you. Does that count? I hope so. I know it will take me time to let the feeling go. Don’t worry, I’ll rise above. I’m a warrior remember? I’ve been trough hell and back, rock bottom and look at me? Here I am.
The right person at the wrong time. The wrong person at the right time. The wrong person at a wrong time. Everything seems to be wrong or just not working out. But why?
I sometimes wonder, is it me? is it the universe? is it everyone else that is just wrong for me? I’ve heard and read hundreds of theories about what “love” or “the one” or what ever is suppose to be like to be with someone. I’ve been in love, I’ve loved. I’ve been loved. But that’s it. Everything is in past tense. How can people keep their love? That’s my real question.
Should I be doing something? Should I be doing nothing? Have I done everything wrong or am I just too impatient to just wait for who ever is suppose to be the person who I’ll keep my love with?
I’ve been talking about love with my friends about past relationships, about hopes, about dreams… It is true that “the greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return”. Love is always the topic that pops up. In this era of instant everything. We expect to have instant love, and we forget, that love is something you cannot rush. That love is something that grows. That love surprises you. That love hurts you. We’ve gone soft. We want love to be forever in an ephemeral life. We live young and let love die fast.
I pledge guilty. I’ve loved too fast. I’ve forgotten that it takes time to get to know a person. Took me about 15 years to figure myself out. Cannot jump into anything, into whatever I think love is. Because I don’t know. But I’m sure that the next time I think and feel that this might be love. I’ll think it twice.
- Photo by Andrej Lišakov
At times I think of you. How did I? How could I not? No one could stop me, not even you. The only person who could have stopped me, was myself. But I let myself go.
People say I should be grateful for all the feelings I’ve had felt because not everyone get to experience it. Some may say I was stupid to fall all over again, but in reality there’s no such thing as bad choices. There’s no such thing as regret. Or so that’s what I’ve chosen to believe. The only explanation I can give is that I dared myself and I was brave.
I admire the moment I realize I was having feelings for someone and recognized them. When I dared to tell him “I love you” even tho I was too afraid to now how you felt about me. Our first kiss after being friends for years. When I called him because I needed to hear his voice. When he broke my heart and I put myself to hell just to forget him. When I forgot him.
I was brave once again to be a fool for someone who I had nothing in common with, to make an effort. I was brave enough to get to know him, and even more brave to fell for him. I liked him and all the things that made him so different about me. I liked how he thought I was so interesting and had so much to share. I fell for how he made me feel, so secure about me. Even with my glasses on.
I want to be brave. I swear I want to be brave and talk to him, but I also want to be brave and not give him a reason to hurt me. The things is I want to be brave no matter the outcome.